All posts by jennalouise

the pastor’s ass

I got this one from Ron today. Worth the read—the moral is the best part. -jlh

The Pastor’s Ass

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read: BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR’S ASS.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent. The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10. The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10.

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild. The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE.

The bishop was buried the next day.

The moral of the story is: being concerned about public opinion can bring you much grief and misery…and even shorten your life. So be yourself and enjoy life. Stop worrying about everyone else’s ass and you’ll be a lot happier and live longer!

Have a nice day!

a good cause

My friend Brian has a party every year to kick off the SEC/college football season. I’ve never been able to attend since they are always in Atlanta, but mark my words, I’ll get to one of these parties one day!

In addition to all of the celebrating, this year Brian has decided to spin the gathering into a fundraiser. How brilliant (and easy) is that?!

excerpt from Brian’s invitation:
What is better than an autumn Saturday with college football, good friends, intense excitement, and cold beer?

Not much! However:
The 6th Annual College Football Party will take on a different purpose this year! The party will be the same, but the purpose will be to raise some funds for the American Cancer Society.

The upcoming year will mark the 10th year since my mother lost her fight against cancer; therefore, I want to mark this year’s college football celebration to her memory!

Please help me accomplish this! Lets party with a purpose to assist in finding a cure for cancer and providing assistance to those fighting for their lives.

Please help me raise some funds by bringing a check (paybable to American Cancer Society), some cash, or spare change! Any amount is so very welcome! If you cannot contribute–come anyhow and celebrate the good cause!

In keeping with college football, the funds will be collected in various bins. Each bin will represent either the SEC, ACC, BIG 10, or “who cares? where is the beer?”

All sums will go directly to the American Cancer Society in memory of Nancy L. Johnson (1947-1997).

Please help me in this endeavor at the 6th Annual College Football Party!

Join us once again for a great party!!

Why aren’t ALL parties like this? Take an event that is going to happen, no matter what, and collect donations for a good cause! Just think of all the charity (every little bit counts, right?) that could result from a simple donation bin (or two) at parties!
I think we should all adopt this way of thinking. Bravo, Brian. My donation is in the mail!

foxy

I was rooting for Michael to win tonight’s Project Runway challenge the enitre episode…and he did!!

foxy.jpg

simply perfect

Don’t quote me, but I might be rooting for him to win the whole enchilada. ALL of his designs so far have been absolutely flawless. Others have managed to squeeze him out for the wins, yet none have been as consistent as he in a level of quality. Michael is surely a quiet storm—striking a perfect (yes, perfect) balance without hitting too showy nor too subdued.

Tonight’s challenge was to update a fashion icon, and Michael’s icon, chosen by his model, was “Pam ‘mother f***ing’ Grier!!” I got chills! Perhaps it’s because I identify with Ms. Grier so closely—we both like to rock a hot fro now and again—or because I knew he would nail the challenge.

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the real me

Seriously, though, Michael would have triumphed had his icon been any of the others: Audrey Hepburn, Cher, Marilyn Monroe, Twiggy, Jackie O… He’s that good.

take my breath away

The latest Communication Arts issue arrived today, as usual, in a plain brown cardboard mailer. It sat unopened—a shame, really—on my desk all day while I worked on magazine deadlines.

Just as I was thinking about shutting down and leaving for the evening, I decided to open it. As I sliced through the packing tape and pulled one side of the cardboard flap away (imagine Charlie opening a Wonka Bar), I was astounded.

splash.jpg

Is it possible to fall in love with a photograph?

Gasp! It’s gorgeous! Breathtaking even! I quickly flipped through the pages of the photography annual to find the artist. Of course! Howard Schatz—I should have known. I’ve been a fan of his since 1995 when I researched and used some of his photos from Seeing Red in Ms. Roberts’ page layout class at UGA.

If memory serves me correctly (seems iffy these days), Schatz is a former dentist turned photographer. God bless him for finding his true calling.

southern signs

Yes, I’m an Armadillo. Does that surprise you??
-jlh

OKRA (Dec 22 – Jan 20): Tough on the outside but tender on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. You can do something good each day if you try.

CHITLIN (Jan 21 – Feb 19): Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A Chitlin, however, will make something of himself if he is motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful—they may surprise you. They can erupt like Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.

BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 – March 20): You have an overwhelming curiosity. You’re unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. You love to stay busy and tend to work too much. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don’t worry about it.

MOON PIE (March 21 – April 20): You’re the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. A cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It’s not going to be easy. You always have a big smile and are happy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Maybe not.

POSSUM (April 21 – May 21): When confronted with life’s difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don’t-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you’re dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy but seems to work for you. You are a rare breed. Most folks love to watch you work and play. You are a night person and mind your own business.

CRAWFISH (May 22 – June >21): Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you’re hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, and the bathtub to the living room. You tend not to be particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.

COLLARDS (June 22 – July 23): Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the melting pot of life and share their essence with the essence of those around them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Crawfish. It just won’t work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.

CATFISH (July 24 – Aug 23): Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart, although one’s whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You Catfish are never easy people to understand. You run fast. You work and play hard. Even though you refer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life, you are liked by most. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.

GRITS (Aug 24 – Sept 23): Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese, gravy, bacon, butter, or eggs and a good time. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things; that serves you well. You are pure in heart.

BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 – Oct 23): You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best, your friends and loved ones, may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.

BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 – Nov 22): Always invite a Butter Bean to a party because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You’ve grown on the vine of life, and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn’t have anything to do with Moon Pies.

ARMADILLO (Nov 23 – Dec 21): You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle and kind inside. A good evening for you—old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms, and insects. You are a throwback. You’re not concerned with today’s fashions and trends. You’re not concerned with anything about today. You’re almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but a Possum is another somewhat kinky mating possibility.

summer romances

Lately, I’ve had butterflies! Oh, yes, I’m talking about summer loves—but (sadly) it’s not what you think.

I have to admit, Dana Point is not the best (or even a mediocre) place to find romance. In fact, this summer, I’m finding more success through my TV and NetFlix!!

Just a few of my new, albeit fleeting, loves:

• Arrested Development—I’m new to the whole Arrested Development brilliance. I’d always heard that it was a great show, but never made the effort to watch—it being on FOX and all. (This is probably the same reason I never watch The Simpsons, though I should). Back to AD…it’s pretty hilarious! Granted, it’s not for everyone, but I get it! And getting to look at Jason Bateman* is a bonus!!

• Saved—Seriously, I only started watching this show because Tom Everett Scott* was the star. But it’s turned out to be a pretty good show. I was a little disappointed in the latest episode ripping off Sally Field’s “ER” storyline of the bi-polar mother, but I got over it. Another reason I like this show is because of “leading lady” Elizabeth Reaser. I adored her character and performance in Mind the Gap, thought she was underexposed in The Family Stone, and any show that casts her is bound to be a good one.

• The Henry Rollins* Show—This one’s been on my favorite list—long before the summer—since it was called Henry’s Film Corner, but watching an episode tonight rekindled the flame. I’m not a dedicated viewer. I don’t watch it faithfully. When I do watch it, I’m consistently pleased with how intelligent the conversations are, including the satirical bits. I searched for the most recent “Rollins Reconsiders” on global warming to post here, but I couldn’t find a file of it to post. It really is worth watching: go to the show’s page, click on the VIDEO button under DOWNLOADS, click on “The Henry Rollins Show: Episode 18,” scroll down the list, click on “The Henry Rollins Show: Rollins Reconsiders, Episode 18.” Whew!! While you’re there, check out the other “Rollins Reconsiders” clips…funny guy!

• Project Runway—see previous post. I may be losing steam with this show. I’m not giving up on it just yet, though. I still find it somewhat inspiring to see all the talent and creativity, but it’s nothing close to what I felt that first night—typical of a summer romance, don’t you think?

Like all summer loves, I don’t expect them to last. I’m just having fun with them while I can.

*high-school-girl-type crush (yes, I still get crushes even though I’m 32. Perhaps that’s how I stay so young!)

got boys?

funny list I got in email this morning:

you find out interesting things when you have sons, like:

1) A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. ft. house 4 inches deep.
2) If you spray hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3) A 3-year old boy’s voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.
4) If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20×20 ft. room.
5) You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6) The glass in windows (even double-pane) doesn’t stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7) When you hear the toilet flush and the words “uh oh,” it’s already too late.
8) Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it.
9) A six-year old boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old man says they can only do it in the movies.
10) Certain Lego’s will pass through the digestive tract of a 4-year old boy.
11) Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.
12) Super glue is forever.
13) No matter how much Jell-O you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water.
14) Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15) VCR’s do not eject “PB & J” sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16) Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17) Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18) You probably DO NOT want to know what that odor is.
19) Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.
20) The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21) The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22) It will, however, make cats dizzy.
23) Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.
24) 80% of women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.
25) 80% of men who read this will try mixing the Clorox and brake fluid.

truth is…

It’s a long-standing Ingalls-Hazlett (more so Ingalls) tradition to play Win, Lose or Draw at family gatherings. The competition is always women against men. The two teams separate to come up with clues for the opposing team. Inevitably, the men’s clues are a smattering of car parts, guns and military terms, while the women’s clues are peppered with cosmetics, fabrics and literary references.

shimmerpowder.jpg

“shimmer powder”

The most infamous clue ever given (I’ll say circa 1987) was from the women to the men: Truth is stranger than fiction. Needless to say, it’s infamous because of the hornets’ nest that it stirred. The men protested their loss on that round, stating that the phrase was made up, didn’t exist. Of course, everyone knows that arguing with a close-knit group of women just doesn’t work. We took the win, as usual.

What makes the victory even sweeter to me still today is a trailer I happened to see for an upcoming movie called Stranger Than Fiction. It looks like it’s going to be great! Can’t wait to see it! Maybe we’ll make it a family outing…